Is the Benefit Worth It?

All of our favorite movies are enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, estranged lovers, etc. etc. Everything is something to lovers. If two people are just in love, the anticipation is lost along with the audience. I recently watched Friends With Benefits, a great film, but it got me thinking. If I had a friend, even a best friend, how much is the “benefit” worth? I’ve had my fair share of crushes and long lost lovers, like the boy I flirted with in high school by giving him chicken nuggets… great charisma as we can see. Despite being dramatic and falling in love with every eligible bachelor and bachelorette I see, shout out Joey and Kelsey ;) how do people so easily jump from friend to friend. I’ve seen both, where in one friend group, they all date each other and have crazy drama, but I’ve also seen two best friends fall in love and it's beautiful. So how do you know? Where is the line drawn? Also, how bad is it to like one friend but flirt and hookup with others? Where is the guide book, or just a step-by-step of what you should and shouldn’t do? And how come people get stuck on the one person they can’t have. I mean, you could, they just are emotionally unavailable, never said yes or no, or are one of your best friends, such an archetype. We got Mary in Merrily We Roll Along, The Summer I Turned Pretty (which is an archetype in itself), HIMYM, literally every sad romcom ever, so why do we pick the people we know would pick us if things were just a little different. It’s beyond me. Even my therapist is confused. 

Also hooking up with or seeing other people when your heart is somewhere else is a crazy ride. Longing for him, but kissing her, wild. Shoutout “She’s Not Him,” by the queen, Miley Cyrus. I was seeing this girl from a dating app (red flag already) and it was really fun. We instantly clicked, she was very pretty, and it felt right. We had a great time on dates, she slept over, and she even mentioned taking me to Greece. All in all it didn’t work out because of differences (and lots of immaturity on one side…) That is beside the point, but it is crazy that as much as I was infatuated with her, I was still caught up on someone else. Maybe I always will be. I saw a tik tok about Carrie and Big saying, “He is not good for her, stop romanticizing, Big. He is your Big.” I was gagged. He can’t be my Big! Big sucks, team Aidan for life. But with that, maybe Carrie is Aidan’s Big. Maybe I’m his Aidan? Maybe I will give all my love, my entire soul, just for it to never be received. Maybe we all have a Big, holding us back from our own love and contentment. I know the chase is fun, but if they are right in front of me, how could I get my heart to leave?

I’ve been asked if I would just hook up, and yes I would, but not with just anyone. I am all for sex positivity and self expression, we are twenty after all, but the way I see best friends to lovers and soulmates look at each other, I want that. Even just a glimmer would be nice, since that isn’t an option here. Orange County is drier than a nunnery, and I am left with the question, “is the benefit worth it?” Is casual sex and flirting on apps enough to fulfill my hopeless romantic heart? Am I really a New York 10, trapped with the dating options of frat guys and polyamory theatre kids? I swear every adult I know met their partner in college, and I leave in a year. Maybe they aren’t in California, but waiting in my “Disneyland” of piss and cigarette smoke waiting on 45th and Broadway. Could she be the girl I met at the club, or the boy who held my hand a little too long delivering my food. Or, is it the worst option of all and standing right in front of me. Too scared to say anything, and trapped in their emotional instability. Is the benefit worth it, or am I better off facing my demons? Who knows, I mean I am only twenty.